The Movies I’ll Never Review… and Why

Since starting the ambitious task of setting myself 250 films to watch this year, there’s been plenty of suggestions I’ve simply been too short-sighted to include.  Lethal WeaponMad Max.  Anything with Mel Gibson, in fact.  Seriously, I don’t recall there being a single Gibbo hit in the list.  That aside, I’m game for watching most things.  Hell.  I managed to stomach The Thing and ended up loving it, and I even risked sanity and taste to bear 90 minutes of Paul Blart : Mall Cop, a film that seems to have come under as much critical derision as it frankly deserves.  Watching terrible films is fun, I admit – and it’s something I can say I’ve done.  Nothing ignites a conversation like ‘I sat through the entirety of Disaster Movie and lived’.  Which, dear reader, I have.  It’s as good as you’ve heard.

But everyone has their limits.  Even yours truly.  The films I’ve picked to see this year are either lauded as classics, cult classics, truly truly awful, or simply movies I’ve been wanting to see for years.  There are some, however, I just won’t.  I like to think I’m open-minded.  How many people out there would willingly subject themselves to Human Centipede for the sake of a WordPress blog?  More than I would think, probably.  God, I’m digressing.  Anyway.  Here are a handful of films I won’t watch, nor review, and why I simply do_not_want_to.

  • Titanic.  I know how it ends.  LOL.  No, really… it just seems a bit insensitive, really.  I could go into it.  I don’t want to.  I’ve avoided it for fifteen years, I’ll avoid it for fifteen more.  It’s in 3D this year, too!  No thanks.
  • A Serbian Film.  Oh, aye.  I have reviewed 18+ movies, and I’ll continue to.  But there are disturbing films, and then there are… just go read about it on Wikipedia.  I would fear for the permanent departure of sanity should I ever hope to come anywhere near this.  I’m surprised it got released.  I’m no prude.  But there’s a line.  Several, it turns out.
  • Anchorman. I don’t like Will Ferrell.  At all.  I don’t ‘get him’.  But that’s me.  I think my judgment would be clouded if I even came anywhere near Ron Burgundy, so I’m holding off until I find the secret to this man’s appeal.
  • Epic Movie.  And so forth.  Disaster Movie was enough.  I’ve been led to believe they’re all pretty similar, so… no thanks.
  • Jurassic Park 3.  I love Jurassic Park.  I think it’s actually pretty under-rated.  The sequel, The Lost World, was quite different.  It dragged, it added little to the original, and I’d seen it all before.  I can barely believe they tried it again, and for that reason, no thanks.
  • The Twilight Saga.  Because I’m worried if I end up liking the films, I’ll never live it down.  And if I hate them, and blog about it, the fandom will send out the winged monkeys.
  • The Wicker Man (the remake).  The original is one of my all-time favourite movies.  Imagine your favourite film getting remade with Nicholas Cage.  He’s not as terrible as some people would have you believe, but… that is not a formula I particularly like.
  • The Secret of NIMH 2.  For similar reasons to Jurassic Park 3.
  • Saw V / VI / VII / VIII / IX / X / XI / XII.  Okay.  It ends at VII.  But still.  Four is enough.  And only two of them are any cop.
  • The Wild Thornberries Movie.  No thanks.
  • Circuitry Man II : Plughead Rewired.  Thanks to both some of the ugliest promo art I’ve ever seen, and the fact that the DVD generally goes for as little as 10p in British money at second-hand-shops.  Neither bodes well.
  • Transformers.  Okay, here’s the clincher.  I was never really into Transformers as a kid. I was born in 1987, so I guess I was old enough to catch the back-end of the intial wave of interest (and I got into Thundercats easily enough years after it finished… the first time around).  But… my thing was Power Rangers.  And Lego.  And FM Radio.  But enough of my utterly bizarre childhood.  I know this kind of link doesn’t always follow, but what I’m trying to say is they didn’t interest me then, and they don’t really now.  People have told me the films are worth it for the robots, but if they’re thegood part… I’m not really going to get much out of this trilogy.  Sorry, folks.  Not my bag.

And that’ll do for now.  Any comments?  Care to persuade me otherwise?  Or maybe you have some bogey films you’re avoiding yourself – stick us a comment and I’ll pass judgment, if you dare me to.

The Prestige up next.  When I say next, I mean twelve hours.  Or less!  You might get lucky.

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Top Ten Worst People to Commute With

10. That really odorous person that always picks the aisle seat next to you
9. The guy with earphones in who raps every third word of the song he’s listening to out loud
8. The guy with three teeth who thinks his dog is interested in hearing stories about cabbages
7. Anyone who hammers the ‘open’ button wildly to get off the train, only to stop and panic when it lights up to let them off
6. The bloke who can’t shut the automatic toilet, so chooses to have a dump with the doors open
5. The nosey sod who hears you finish the end of your conversation, then quizzes you on it as if you’ve known each other years
4. Tipsy ascot enthusiasts dressed up to the nines, and perpetually demanding your attention / offence for their amusement
3. Festival-goers
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1. The pointy-chinned bloke in the grey hat who’s making fun of you on his blog