Top Ten Worst People to Commute With

10. That really odorous person that always picks the aisle seat next to you
9. The guy with earphones in who raps every third word of the song he’s listening to out loud
8. The guy with three teeth who thinks his dog is interested in hearing stories about cabbages
7. Anyone who hammers the ‘open’ button wildly to get off the train, only to stop and panic when it lights up to let them off
6. The bloke who can’t shut the automatic toilet, so chooses to have a dump with the doors open
5. The nosey sod who hears you finish the end of your conversation, then quizzes you on it as if you’ve known each other years
4. Tipsy ascot enthusiasts dressed up to the nines, and perpetually demanding your attention / offence for their amusement
3. Festival-goers
2. The lad who receives an instant message on his phone every ten seconds, refusing to turn off the constant, hollow sound of discordant bells
1. The pointy-chinned bloke in the grey hat who’s making fun of you on his blog

Top Ten Reasons To Tidy the House

10. The rats have issued you with an eviction notice
9. The carpet in the bathroom used to be lino
8. You have to clean mugs when people visit
7. Your house is fairly secure thanks to turrets of bin bags blocking access to all exits
6. You feel less nauseous eating your meals in the toilet than you do in the lounge
5. The folks across the street are complaining about the smell
4. You list ‘mountaineering’ as a hobby, despite rarely leaving the house
3. The landlord is paying you to stay
2. You need a GPS to find the bath
1. The council is approaching you to open up your residence as a tourist attraction